One day I was reviewing a press release for one of my books. If you’ve ever commissioned a ‘specialist’ to prepare one (or a series of releases) for you then you might have a feel for the embarassment that I felt when I read it. Many of these writers really do go way over the top with their prose.
Is my book really that good?
Really that explosive?
These PR writers rarely read the books they are hyping, that would not be economic and might even limit the range of adjectives they can in conscience deploy in praise of their client’s work. But there again, it will not be released in their name.
I guess it’s a bit like being on the stage, you have to raise your voice to be heard – or write effusive praise to attempt to break through all the BS of all the others releases, particlularly when your publisher is an unkown name or you are self-publishing.
Anyway it started me thinking about a press release. How would I write one for the Bible? I jotted down a few notes and then the ideas started flowing thick and fast. My sense of humour took over – at least for me – and mixed in with a somewhat jaundiced view of religion I drafted a press release. Reading it now it’s more like a review. Oh well, time to re-redraft.
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Warning: Contains spoilers.
Heaven, Stardate 0 — Released today, ‘The Bible’.
The Universal Publisher is delighted to announce publication of ‘The Bible’, a compendium of stories, facts, miracles and lifestyle guidance rules which will set mankind on the path to righteousness, war and hypocrisy.
This epic is sure to be the world’s best seller.
The Book is in two parts, the so-called Old and New Testaments.
The Old Testament starts at minus infinity with the instant of creation — ‘The Big Bang’, when all the laws of physics were defined. There appears to be an inherent paradox here as the instigator of the Big Bang is apparently already in existence. This point is sure to raise debate amongst readers and academics alike — an effective promotional device certain to lead to many research papers and extensive publicity.
The tale quickly moves over six days to the creation of the first human being and his mate, through the use of instantly developed invasive surgery techniques and accelerated ‘in aer’ growth. The male develops the peculiar biology of a brain located in the reproductive organ, whilst the female of the species has a lust for jewellery and styling of the ‘hair’ — a part of the anatomy which, strangely, continues to grow for some time even after death.
This novel approach enables the expansion of the human race using the concept of ‘original sin’, a racy sex and fruit session encouraged and supervised by a reptile (another early species in the first location, a garden).
These technical devices, however incredible, seem to work and the species rapidly proliferates.
The exciting drama further unfolds with incest and murder in the first few generations of the human species, themes which are repeated and amplified throughout. There are natural disasters and overseas migration starts.
‘Religion’ — the worship of the Universal Publisher accompanied by complex rites and regulations (the so-called ‘Ten Commandments’ which are literally set in stone) — also evolves with the story. This leads to considerable intrigue among factions, the growth of a large and expensive (i.e. tax-funded) bureaucracy to manage it, and even the bifurcation of the religion into Judaism and Islamism — a device to ensure the development of wars.
The interleaving stories unfold in a loosely chronological order (with plenty of savage action) until ‘a Saviour’ appears in Part II — The New Testament. The ‘Saviour’ is a male character (the gender is currently open to challenge by gender activists) introduced by the Publisher to freshen the story and act as an instigator of ‘miracles’, even being born by a miracle — a virgin birth.
Note: Miracles are events which confound all understanding of the laws of physics (as currently defined and understood by the human species although even these definitions are evolving and there are still dark matters to be resolved).
The End — or Not?
The violent ending involving torture and brutal execution leaves readers in painful suspense — will He (the Saviour) or won’t He return? This will definitely excite extensive debate amongst scholars until +infinity or self-destruction of the human species.
Additional themes include an eternal battle between the Creator and his/her nemesis, known as Satan. Good versus evil, virtue versus sin, and other moral formulations including significant and eternal motivational rewards for good behaviour (and the contrary). You too can go to Heaven.
There is an intriguing underlying theme throughout which involves sub-ethereal communication know as prayer. This communication may be asymmetric or symmetric depending on the communicants. Possible mechanisms include ‘quantum entanglement’ which was first postulated by Albert Einstein.
There is enough bloody action, intrigue and mystery — laced with plenty of carefully masked sexual action (suitable for all ages, just, see Notes) — to satisfy the most demanding and analytical of readers, as well as those who will believe anything written in black and white. It is cleverly constructed and the contents can be quoted in support of arguments in favour of slavery, genocide, polygamy and a whole host of behaviours which many readers would consider dubious in the extreme, except of course, homosexuality and bestiality.
The book is widely available in many countries in hard and soft cover and all digital formats at quality bookstores, via online retailers.
Many hotel bedrooms offer copies for those who have difficulty sleeping (versions may differ).
The various volumes and versions also have an extensive distribution network through local fan clubs and a massive door-to-door salesforce.
1. The literary device of ‘allegory’ (or parable) is used extensively to deliver lifestyle guidance.
2. Parental Guidance advised, contains sexually explicit scenes, extreme violence.
3. Film rights have been taken up by Universal Studios.
4. It is expected that an extensive network of local fan clubs will form spontaneously.
5. The ‘voice’ might be too male-orientated for many readers.
6. The book has a solid anti LGB stance and the writing pre-dates ‘questioning’ and ‘trans-gender’ concepts.
‘…Part I is The Truth’ — The Watchtower
‘ …makes excellent bedtime reading’ — Moses
‘…a good story, but The New Testament lets it down’ — Jewish Chronicle
‘…we have filed a DMCA complaint as some of our characters have been blatantly copied from the Quran’ — Ayatollah Khomenei